Jumping forward a bit...Margaret has been hit by a truck and gone into a coma. (See Prologue below) Her life begins to flash before her eyes. At this point she has already recalled the memory of her mother and father passing away while she was younger. This event marked the beginning of MArgaret's struggles.
Two
Margaret felt her lungs inflate and deflate as, once again, a bright whiteness pierced through the painful yet hypnotic memories dancing around behind her closed eyelids. Cupping her hand over her eyes, she realized her head no longer throbbed and as she wiggled her lips, she realized that they no longer felt glued down. A soft voice giggled above her. After suddenly envisioning the truck slamming into her car, she guessed that she was probably in the hospital and she took a deep breath. Even though it had been years since her last visit, she could recall the scent of that hospital, a combination of bleach used to sterilize surfaces and various operative utensils and an odor that could only be associated with latex. These poignant odors had penetrated her nose, and consequently her stomach, each time she stepped foot through the sliding glass doors.
This smell was not bleach and was different than the lingered honey-dew melon and sun-dried raspberry she had detected earlier. Maybe, she thought, she was at a different hospital; one that, perhaps, was closer to where her fate met with destiny in the form of a pickup truck thereby creating this chaotic twist of odor filled reality..
Then it hit her. Lavender. The smell, she finally recognized, was definitely lavender. The sweet, yet subdued scent sent a new wave of memories flooding through her mind.
The spring of her 15th year brought about many changes for Margaret. She had long since proclaimed herself different from all other 15 year olds, that was nothing new. Her so-called friends, as well as her psychiatrist, had already tired of the relentless ‘why should I care, my parents are dead’ attitude but, unfair change was not done with Margi yet.
That was the year she would learn of her unplanned pregnancy of a little girl who she would name Nan. This rollercoaster event thrilled and scared Margaret.
As months passed, Nan swelled inside of Margi creating a potpourri of nausea and elation, as well as a heightened despondency towards life and the world that she would have to, sooner than advised by her surrounding elders and peers, subject a child to.
Margi loved Mark very much but hesitated, rocking back and forth on her heels, clutching her stomach for fear that she may vomit at any moment, staring at the doorbell to the left of the front door panel. From behind her, she heard the soft, understanding voice of Moody, her best friend.
“Go on.” He simply said.
She hadn’t told Marissa and Joseph, the directors of the Helping Hands Placement Center For Girls, of the embryo that bloomed inside her, and she knew there was no chance of spilling the information to her shrink. They did, after all, fully trust her. Moody was a different story, however. His friendship and her ability to confide in him was her only sense of stability.
Despite her unwillingness to divulge her secret to her elders and in a desperate attempt to keep everything the same, the zygote would unknowingly cause a, yet to apprehend, change of view on her world, as well as herself.
So here she stood, as sweat slowly formed on her forehead, on the front porch of Mark’s house. She stared at the eggshell white paint that had long ago been drenched over the now exposed and unappreciated lumber underneath. Margi knew that Mark wasn’t affluent in wealth and money but, standing here, it seemed such a shame that a beautiful house as this should be left to the doomed marriage of time and weather.
The approaching fall season produced a chill in the air that seemed to mock Margaret, and the duty that now lay in front of her, and she shivered as she pulled her mother’s beloved wool sweater closer around her. As she did, the aroma of her mother’s sweet honey-dew melon and sun-dried raspberry lotions pierced through her senses and she closed her eyes hoping this action would fight back the tears that swelled in them. In her mind, she heard her mother laugh and then, as quickly as it had come, the memory faded and Margi breathed in the courage she would need to inform this 16 year old boy, this companion who had lovingly caressed her, whispering lovely sonnets into her ear, making her feel like love, their love, was the reason to continue living, that he would become a daddy long before he would ever have liked to, hoped to, dreamed. As she knocked on the door, she felt the wood conform to her small knuckles in an anticipated sympathy for the task that she was to perform.
After the initial shock of the news, Mark would succumb to the tears that Margi forced to hold back moments before. He would drop to his knees and she would follow suit but this sense of comfort, of understanding and longing to know that it would be alright because he would be there for her, didn’t last.
In the following weeks, and at the advice of his parents, Mark would cease to accept the inevitability of his fate and the child he promised to help bring into the world while on the porch that fall afternoon.
Margi would be left alone, once again, to deal with a sorrow that she had come to embrace and cherish. This distress was different, however. The lingering effects of this abandonment would fade with each passing year unlike the hole that was left to blacken when her mother, and eventually her father, passed into the void of her hope and comfort. This sorrow, however lessened, would develop and mature into a rooted base of anger and abandonment.
As the months passed, her secret was beginning to become noticeable and fearing it’s inevitable demise, like the morning dew that dissipates as the sun emerges to greet the creatures it would stir awake, she knew she had to accept the possibility of being kicked out of the Girl’s Center.
She sank into a deep depression, until one summer day, Joseph, the patriarch of the Girl’s Center, noticing her change in behavior and dress, approached her. She cried that day. It was an emotion she thought she had locked away. Joseph was different, though.
“God loves you, Margaret Medder. Don’t you worry. He’s got a greater plan for you. No matter what happens, remember that.”
Then something wholly unexpected happened. Joseph placed the center’s library key in her lap. Looking up at him through her tear-soaked face she gawked.
“It may help. Just be sure to return whatever you take.”
Margaret soon found herself immersed in the books Joseph gave her access to. Neither the room nor the collection was vast, by any means, but it served its purpose well. She absorbed everything she could, not only about pregnancy but of inner peace and meditation techniques. She researched the healing, soothing, stress relieving effects of different flowers and fell in love with Lavender. She would come to invest most of her kitchen allowance on Lavender incense, body spray, bath salts and bedding potpourri and would agree with the experts to the effects they produced. Even her psychiatrist seemed to sit a little taller and reflect an air of hope at her presence. Of course, he felt the difference was solely his doing but Margaret didn’t mind.
It was a stormy night when she happened upon the leather-bound book sitting upon Joseph’s wooden desk. Her fingers gently caressed the words B-i-b-l-e and as she pulled it open, a large lightening bolt struck nearby causing a quick round of thunder, loud and powerful. Eyes widened, she read, believing this was a sign from the God that her mother and father had spoken so highly about. She never had a chance to question why they believed in God but thought to herself that now was as good a time as any to try and find out for herself.
As her belly, mind, and spirit grew, she felt herself becoming Margaret Medder, mother and loving nurturer of Nan Alison Medder, child without a father and yet so loved by her mother. Days passed as she came to acknowledge and accept these truths; God was good, something so pure could never do her harm and very soon, she would be able to grasp that hope and comfort that she had believed in so long ago.
Then, one day, 56 days before the proposed due date, she would bleed. The bright red puddles that would form and mutate underneath her feet in the girl’s locker-room shower stall would eventually congeal and settle, like she had, once again to cruel fate and destiny. Margi wasn’t conscious when the paramedics rushed in and carried her away to the area E.R. but she knew, in her soul, that Nan would never greet the world and shine forth the blessings that desperately hoped for.
The doctor would eventually explain to Marissa and Joseph of the miscarriage and while Marissa silently rejoiced, Joseph lamented the loss as if it were his own. Even Moody displayed his saddened emotions on her behalf.
Margi joined Joseph and Moody in lamenting for only a short while. Sooner than anyone had hoped, she took refuge in her familiar, swirling black void. She began sneaking alcohol into her room, courtesy of the corner homeless man, whom she passed everyday on her way back from school, and eating was cut to a minimum for survival purposes only. Her regressive demeanor left her psychiatrist packing his bags, convinced that he had failed as a doctor.
To Margaret, the darkness became a comforting friend, once again, as she set the books she had come to cherish ablaze in the back alley while her den-parents, as they were called, slept, undisturbed, inside the cold, stone fortress. She didn’t bother informing Joseph of her decision to dispose of the literature. She figured they no longer offered the hand of hope, the hand of comfort, and should no longer fool anyone else to believe either. They were of no further use to her. God, she believed, had once again turned his back on his fallen angel, leaving her to fend for herself in a world that obviously would not allow her to hold anything dear and precious.
Some More Info on Our Trip Down Under
2 years ago